Some senior friends recently engaged in a lively discussion about who family members ‘really’ are in this age of multiple divorces, family dis-unity and international living with boundaries being more and more blurred.  At the end of the day, there was no agreement about what constitutes a family, who is ‘really’ a family member and who are interlopers. There was agreement about the level of concern this issue raises for many seniors; they agreed step-family relationships is one of their top 10 concerns.

For purposes of illustration, let me tell you about my family.  Jerry and I have been married 37 years plus.  Were we members of each others biological families before we were married?  And then Jerry’s son from his first marriage lived with us following our marriage, so technically he is my step-son.  Is a step-child a member of the step-parent’s biological family? Jerry and I raised him.  Does that make any difference?  My daughter, relinquished at birth to adoptive parents, is technically Jerry’s step-daughter.  Is she a member of his biological family?  We didn’t reunite until she was 35 years old.  I signed a paper that gave up all ‘rights’ to her.  Is she still my daughter?

And then it gets really complicated when we move out to extended family members.  A nephew and his wife have adopted two African children, one from Nairobi and the other African-American from Utah.  Are they members of our family?  Can people from different races be members of each others families? Another nephew married a woman with two children, then they divorced.  Are those two children (now adults) members of our extended family?  Should they be invited to family events?

Our daughter is in her second marriage, with two step-daughters from her husband’s first marriage entering the picture.  Are they our granddaughters?  Should they be included with birthday and Christmas gifts?  Or do we limit our gifts to our biological children and grandchildren?

After my mother died, my father remarried a woman who had two adult children and a host of grandchildren and greats.  Are they members of our extended family? What role, if any, do they play in our family?

Some Suggestions for Handling the Definition of Family

This discussion could, obviously, go on for a long time.  The picture seems to be very clear: There are a lot of questions that don’t seem to have any answers.

What are the guidelines for determining who is family and who is not when it comes to the myriad of non-biological family members in a family picture? These are our suggestions:

• The moral and right thing to do is to treat step-children no differently from biological children.  Period, end of discussion.
• Well, almost… Beyond what is morally right are issues of reality.  We think parents and grandparents need to be very careful about including non-biological children in their lives, as an integral part of the family constellation.  Those children have feelings, and if left out, they will feel unloved.  They will grow up.  They will not forget how they were treated as children.  They will be adults much longer than they were children.  If you want a connected family in your senior years, treat your step-offspring just as you treat the biological ones.
• If a family member or group chooses to exclude themselves from your family events, respect their choice.  Do not try to coerce people to become members of your family if they don’t want the relationship.  Respect their choices even if they are biologically related, by the way.
• If family members make choices to include non-biological people (children) in their family constellation, honor those choices with love and respect. Doesn’t mean you give them the family farm; but treat them just as you treat their biological counterparts.  It does mean that you make no judgements, that you love unconditionally.

We are all better human beings when we practice compassion.  When in doubt, be compassionate.  And when you have all the answers, be compassionate.

Contributed by Dr Sharon Shaw Elrod

Recalling fond memories of experiences with loved ones helps keep them close when we are separated by distance, or by death.  My dad died five weeks ago.  We are now separated by death.  But the memories of good times together help keep him close to me.

I haven’t seen my amazing granddaughter for several weeks… rather unusual for us, since we like to hang out together whenever possible.  We text a lot, and comment on each others FaceBook page often.  And the memories of incredibly sweet times with her help keep her close to me.

I had experiences with each of these loved ones that bear sharing with the world.  In the last few days of Dad’s life, a hospice attendant asked him, “What did you do before you retired?” She was filling out a form and needed the information about his previous employment.  We all expected him to say he was a banker.  He didn’t.  Dad said, “I did the best I could.”  Dad chose to reference his life efforts and the quality of living he experienced… the best. We were all pretty amazed he came up with that through the horrific clouds of his dementia.

Several years ago, my granddaughter was with me while visiting some friends.  They hadn’t met previously, so a lot of questions were going back and forth trying to get acquainted.  One of my friends asked her, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  Without missing a beat, Ani replied, “Happy!”  Ani chose to reference the quality of living she wanted to have rather than a profession she would choose.

A Window into the Soul

Separated by three generations, each of these precious beings were totally tuned in to the spiritual part of their lives rather than the common/tangible day-to-day ordinary when they responded to these questions. They could easily have replied with the response that most people would expect.

Instead, they opened a window into their soul.  They gently replied with a comment that said, Here… let me give you a small picture of who I really am.  What I did or am going to do is not as important as who I am as a human being.

Separated by three generations, and connected by genetics and life experiences that they commonly share.  What wonderful lifelong memories they have given me!

Contributed by Dr Sharon Shaw Elrod

Turning over the authority of your body and mind, post 70, to the enemies who invade us, amounts to waging a very intentional battle. There is no way to escape the full complement of weaknesses to which we may be prone.  There is a way to hold some of them at bay.

Let’s investigate the latter:  Aging is a very predictable process which will find its subtle and not so subtle ways of reducing our abilities and discouraging our strength and stamina.  The first lesson is not to give in. Often, following on a major surgery or other illness, our bodies seem to want to “give up.”  The easy chair becomes more and more desirable.  Exercise is less and less appealing.  Both of these enemies are certain to prevail, if we let them.

Cancer, because of its insidious nature and invasive treatments, is a big time enemy, armed with all kinds of means for limiting life for us. When met with the need for radical prostate surgery, I was soon to discover just how debilitating such an experience can be.  I expected to be up and out in short order.  No such luck.  Four years later, I am cancer free, but still combatting the loss of energy that I had known prior to surgery.

Serious consideration and evaluation needs to come into play when faced with the prospect of surgery.  If it is to be elective, evaluate it very carefully.  Your pre condition, i.e. before surgery, may be better than a post condition which may rob you of some of your abilities.  Be sure, no surgeon can promise you lack of side or after affects.  Deciding if you want to live with things the way they are or risking some improvement will be the struggle as you entertain your options.

Proactive Life Care

Taking care of ourselves is a major priority.  Even with that some debilitations will occur.  Diet, consistent medical evaluations, vitamins, exercise, all are contributors to keeping yourself in the best shape possible. Depending upon your DNA, there still may be issues over which you have little to no control.  For example, I have been diagnosed with two conditions for which there is no cure or effective treatment:  lymphacytic colitis and macular degeneration.  Living with such conditions, within the framework of what encouragement and reinforcement your physician can provide, will likely be the best one can do.

Finding reasons to maintain good health is another way to reinforce your own ability to head off the invasion of body and mind enemies. For example:  plan a trip, an extended cruise, within your means financially and physically, that gives you something to anticipate.  Or, plan a reunion with your children or grandchildren.  Or, invite old and dear friends to spend some time with you.  In other words, get your mind off yourself and your negative condition.

Decide that aging will work for you and not against you.  I have known many, in their 90′s, who have maintained good mind and body control and subsequent enjoyment of their day to day routines.  These persons have made practical, workable, sensible and deliberate choices which help them engage themselves toward having a fruitful and productive life. I know one woman in a nursing home, well into her 90′s, who gets great joy and satisfaction from playing the piano and entertaining her neighbors.

Holding off as many medications as possible is also a good practice.  Medications also come with side effects which may create difficulty in your staying in control of your self. As always, your primary care physician needs to be your partner in these issues and choices.

Distractions contribute largely to feeling good about how you feel and how you get along from day to day.  If possible, consider having a pet.  Identify ways to redirect your time and energy from unsatisfying experiences to those that give you a reason to be.

The other day I introduced an older gentleman and his lovely wife, who were just one table over from us in a local restaurant, to Senior Citizen Journal.  His appropriate question was:  “Well, what approach do you take?”

While I might have been taken aback, I was quickly aware I was dealing with a very astute contemporary senior observer.  Everybody is somewhat suspicious these days.  And everybody is met so often with some self serving agenda, that such a question is quite appropriate and well deserved.

A Commitment to Productive Aging

Because SCJ has become more and more well received, I am quite happy to have an answer, which I think serves well.  We are not in the business of provoking, but Senior Citizen Journal (SCJ) is invested in evoking the wide spectrum of issues which are common to those of us who are seniors. On occasion we may address some issue which may have the potential for disagreement, but the overwhelming majority of our articles are designed to help us as we age and to do so productively.

Readers will likely find the SCJ ‘approach’ familiar to those who dedicated their lives to helping people.  Our editors are retired clergy, social workers and educators–all professions oriented toward helping people live the best they can, including seniors trying to find the productive aging route.

The gentleman very kindly took my proffered card and we bade farewell very respectfully.  Whether he has visited us or not, I have no idea.  Perhaps so.  And when he has or does, I trust he will find something worthwhile here to stir his endorphins and to identify ways to continue making his own life rich and fulfilling.

Before all your resources are spent, you may want to identify a means for evaluating what intentional desires you have for your estate upon your death. Making decisions about your estate is an early on decision which prevents heartache and disappointment later.

For those who have structured their lives to take into account the consequences of choices, this will be less a challenge than for those who have lived day to day.  Resources must be tended to, like a garden.  If those resources are to provide sufficient income for yourself and, if you desire to be in a position to gift others, then intentionality will be a major influence.

Upon retirement, there are several practical and flexible issues that need to be taken into account. Having made out an estate plan in the early stages of retirement does not conclusively care for the issue in perpetuity.  Periodic review will be necessary.

Identifying a competent and trustworthy person or firm to do business with in your estate planning will, of course, be step one.  Likely, that has long since been determined and is in place.  However, circumstances may change that and will need to be revisited accordingly.

Depending upon age, number of heirs, condition and worth of your estate, health factors and other considerations, an estate plan needs to be comprehensive. All your assets and everything of value needs to be identified, and a plan created for where/to whom they go.  A trustee or trustees needs to be named.  A depository for necessary documents identified.

Critical Financial Issues to Review

The most difficult task may be deciding how your estate will be distributed.  Equal distribution, in those cases where there are multiple heirs to be considered, will need to be taken into account.  There may be extenuating circumstances which may influence that choice.  The primary issue here is not the meticulous distribution of minor items, but rather the bulk of the estate, which is normally held in cash, stocks, bonds, real estate and other such investments. Mineral rights, if any, will also need to be taken into account.  There may be persons who are to receive some inheritance, who will need assistance with the management of their share.  That needs to be spelled out and determined.

Once these decisions are made and formally executed, you will need to review your plan regularly (probably annually).  Placing restrictions on an estate plan is common.  Being sure the estate and those who share in it will benefit from your intentions demonstrates good management and healthy regard for both the largesse of the estate and those who receive it.

Elizabeth Blackwell, the first female doctor in America, started her practice in New York in 1851. Not only was she unable to find patients–no one would even rent her a room once she mentioned that she was a doctor.  After weeks of trudging the streets, she finally rented rooms from a landlady who asked no questions about what Elizabeth planned to do with them.

Quaker women, who had always been receptive to the goal of equal rights, became Elizabeth’s first patients.  But no hospital would would allow her on its staff. Finally, with financial help from her Quaker friends, Elizabeth opened her own clinic in one of New York’s worst slums.

Injustice Turned Positive

The clinic opened in March, 1853.  Elizabeth hung a sign out announcing that all patients would be treated free.  Yet, for the first few weeks, no one showed up.  Then one day, a woman in such agony that she didn’t care who treated her, staggered up the steps and collapsed in Elizabeth’s arms.

When the woman was treated and recovered, she told all her friends about the wonderful woman doctor on Seventh Street.  The dispensary was soon going well, and eventually expanded into the New York Infirmary for Women and Children, which eventually became a large and thriving hospital on East Fifteenth Street.

This story makes me think about all kinds of injustice, and how – with patience – it can sometimes be turned around.

Best estimates currently are that 60% of senior citizens over 60 will need long term care in their lifetime.  Those seniors at risk for early onset Alzheimers and Parkinsons will likely need care before the age of 60.  Seniors everywhere need to look seriously at purchasing long term care insurance.

SCJ’s advice is that before one more day passes, set up an appointment to apply for Long Term Care Insurance coverage.  The sooner you explore this option, the more likely you are to be very pleased with your intelligence and foresight.  Waiting or putting off the decision will simply cost you more in the future. Or, it will create less likelihood of your being accepted.

The process is simple.  Go to your primary care physician and have a conversation with him/her about the advantages of long term care, the likelihood of your needing it, the wisdom of your investing in such a policy both for yourself and your partner.  When you have the information that helps you to proceed comfortably, then make an appointment with a reputable company.  You can find many options simply by using your search engine online with the terms “long term care insurance”. It is always a good idea to check with trusted friends and family members regarding their recommendations and experience with long term care insurance.

Penny-Wise vs Pound Foolish

If your health is good, all the more reason to act quickly.  The more your health picture is compromised, the less likely you will be to be approved. When I applied, there had been enough health issues show up on my record that the chances of my qualifying had already become an issue.  My application was denied; if I had applied just six months earlier, it would have been approved.

Mother, who is now in her nineties, applied and received approval before any major health issues surfaced.  Her health record, in spite of several broken bones, did not work against her.  She is now enjoying the fruits of her investment as she lives in a skilled nursing home center partially funded by her long term health care insurance policy.

Further, when applying, always include the inflationary rider.  Costs will rise.  You don’t want to be caught in a static position when you can include anticipated cost of living increases.

Long term health care insurance is just a good investment for all of us seniors.

Retirement, for many, begins almost like a romance.  Infatuated with its desirability and what seems like limitless options, one is hard pressed to narrow down the priorities and tempted to do it all at once.  That is impossible, of course.  Thus, one is confronted with having to sort out what the realistic options are for your retirement, and to act on them with some kind of practical timeline.

Getting caught in the trap of ”cookie cutter” choices, many commit themselves to limiting their options early on.  Settling in somewhere is the first consideration that brings with it multiplied implications.  If you stay where you are, there are predictable advantages;  if you relocate, you automatically impose numerous new obligations and time consuming demands on that choice;  if you do the motor-home thing, you are constantly free to go where you wish, but bound to always looking toward the next stop;  if you move into a condo with zero lot lines and proximity  to the grandchildren, you have solved many issues, but may have created others.  In other words there is no sure fire modus operandi for coming up with a retirement formula.

If you wish to travel, to “see the world” or that portion of it that appeals to you, this is at the top of the priority list.  Why?  Traveling requires resources, stamina, determination, planning and the recognition that by doing all the travel you desire, you will be leaving out other things.  For example, if your grandchildren are nearing graduations or marriage or their first off spring, you may be half way around the world when these things occur.  If you wait, similarly you may be in a distant land when someone precious to you dies and you are faced with an emergency trip home.

Health Influences Choices and Decisions

Health is a strong indicator of what choices need to be made and how to work that out with the other factors that are always influencing senior choices. Finances are also right up  there when deciding how you will begin living out your retirement.  If you choose to work part time, you will not be completely in charge of your calendar.  If health conditions develop requiring that you remain in close proximity to medical services, that too will carry a strong argument about what you decide to do and when. If caretaking looms large on the horizon, that will be another influence on what you decide to do.

If you wish to build your dream home and live out the life that that affords, you may be saying yes to a dream, but no to a lot of other things. If you have a specific desirable retirement location where you want to live, the hassle of putting your house on the market, particularly now, will have to be calculated in the equation.

Every choice in retirement typically, as in life, means you are foregoing other choices. That is why thinking through the big choices thoroughly and understanding their ramifications is absolutely crucial.

Preparing for retirement is no small thing.  Thinking through the implications will involve the meticulous evaluation of all the dynamics that will play into your choices. No one can really estimate when “it is too late” to have waited to make choices you really wanted to make.  Thus determining asap your available choices and desires, and filtering your emotions and engaging your ability to reason will be necessary .  You are not in a gambling mecca throwing dice; you are planning your retirement years as carefully as possible, knowing the ‘unknowns’ of aging will always show up.

The next eleven months are likely to produce more consternation than satisfaction.  Expecting a miracle is likely a vain endeavor.  America’s political and social climates have been reduced almost to ashes. The fury looms large, as it seeks to decimate those who are declared candidates.  One by one the lustre of their shine dulls and the promise of their leadership dims.  Can anyone withstand the furious anger and the dynamite charges to reputation and background?

While hope springs eternal and some are forever optimistic, some of that is fed by machinations and manipulations that would shame even the most naive. Can we expect anything good to emerge from so much that is bad?  If America is so committed to the principle of “In God we Trust,” who among those who claim God’s inspiration can be trusted?  Is there any demonstration of truth and integrity that can be unearthed?

This is not a good time for philosophers.  Neither is it a good time for those who would seek to create a balance and a sense of equanimity.  There is too much volatility in the air.  There is too much fanning the flames of discord.

Think for Ones-Self

Already the candidates have lined up those who will give their support.  Already there is an us/them syndrome that pits person against person, discourages reconciliation, despises compromise. Do miracles ever emerge from such environments?

At the risk of further dividing the electorate, one can find human beings who have run for the office of president, been elected or lost, who have stood for the principles of democracy in our republic.  however, pointing out who they are simply tempts the possibility of more degenerative name calling.

Perhaps the miracle will come in the awakening of a body politic who finally comes to see through the insinuations of those whose ambition is greater than their patriotism.  Perhaps it will come when persons will decide to choose for themselves rather than being pushed into a line that leads nowhere. Perhaps it will come when persons, whose frame of reference is based on a solid understanding of history and an appreciation and application of reason to it, will step up and be counted.

Vision, hearing, smell, touch and taste are all essential to our daily existence.  There are no guarantees that they will always and forever function well as we grow older.  When various conditions develop which alter the sharpness of any of these senses, we are met with a sudden and dramatic realizations of how critically important and vital each of them is.

A recent diagnosis of macular degeneration has offered both a surprise and an adjustment I was not quite ready to make.  Over the past year, however, I had become aware, since receiving my last correction in my eye glasses, that I was having difficulty making out signs at a distance and recognizing people across a room. These were obviously symptoms that were bothersome and telling.  Indeed they were.  For when I went to two physicians to get independent opinions, I was met with the same verdict.  Increasingly, computer work, reading chiron on television, making out images at a distance have all become more of a challenge.

Thus, the moment that introduces me to coping with limitations.  I am also experiencing some hearing loss, to which I refuse to give in, but the time is coming.  Smell gave up on me years ago when finally I gave up on smoking a pipe.  That’s three out of five, not too good a score.

Coping Positively and Proactively

For those of us who begin to recognize the impending loss of abilities, there are ways to deal with some of them.   Unfortunately, there are no treatments or cures for macular degeneration.  That is a debilitating condition that has yet to find its medical savior.

Hearing is another matter.  It just means I have to let go of my vanity and frugality and decide to get hearing aids.  I think I am almost there. Recommendation:  Visit an audiology clinic, which does not sell hearing aids.   Get a completely objective analysis of your hearing.  Then identify a hearing aid center, which has good references.

Smell, I have found I can live without.  I miss some pleasures; but others are so unpleasant that I do not miss them.

Coping with limitations means sitting down with yourself and dealing with the practical realities that are a part of your now existence. I am doing that, while also discovering the handicaps that come with arthritis and other assorted disabilities.  If I can conquer most of them, or at least accommodate them, I will have some good years ahead.  I am working at being in charge of as much of my equipment as I can.   I hope to prevail.  I also send to you the encouragement to overcome whatever may be in your way, so that your continuing journey can be satisfying and complete.