The children are all gone now.  There are no bedtime stories.  If reading is done, it is usually quietly and serves to lure you to sleep.  But in our house over the last year or so, a reversal of roles has occurred.  As mentioned here frequently we are the parents of two dogs, one a daschund, the other a papillion.  Because they are rescue pets, we have no idea where some of the idiosyncratic behaviors developed or how or when.  Our papillion, Patton, has developed a characteristic that is puzzling, delightful, unusual and darling.  We ask him if he has a story for us tonight.  He begins with this mesmerizing,  low, and sustained groan, not growl, pleasant muttering sound, as if he is, in fact, weaving a story.  We continue prompting him with questions and urgings, to which he responds with a continuing monologue of his account of some occasion in his life’s experience.  It literally feels as if he is reporting an event, spinning a tale, relating an experience that he knows all so well and we appear to understand.  It is utterly delicious.   He is in charge and continues the story until eventually it comes to its conclusion.  We feel as if we have been entertained and informed by his unwinding this tale and he seems to respond with appreciation. 

It is a joy to be in the position of listener, to discover the incredible talent of our wonderful pet who seems to enjoy the creative satisfaction of telling us stories.  Patton’s language is one we have to work at  understanding, but there is almost a sense that we are his audience and it is ours to respect his talent at keeping our attention.  Every night now, it seems, we look forward to these special moments when we inquire if he has a story for us, to which he begins with his moans and especially created sounds, looking back and forth between the two of us to make sure we are listening… it always feels as if we are hearing another of his stories for the first time. 

You may scoff at such as this.  Don’t dare.  You may be surprised, if  you have a pet, at the remarkable talents and untold secrets they can let you in on.  We never make light of Patton’s tales, not the way he tells them.  We, like our children of long ago, just snuggle in and await another hypnotic tale that introduces us to a night of favored rest, having heard another story and now seduced by the comfort of dropping off to sleep with our  night’s dog story telling  experience.

Some have declared they do not intend to retire.  Some of my high school graduating classmates are still deeply involved in their life long careers.  Some are attorneys, others are in businesses they have operated for 40 years and more; some sustain family operations that have been passed down to them, others have found occupations which give them income and the ability to spend their time productively.  Most are persons whose health continues to be good, whose common sense allows them to impose disciplines that do not challenge them physically or medically.  They have found the marvelous secret of being at the kind of things that brings rich meaning to their lives.  They are to be envied, admired and appreciated.  Most have no need for more income or resources, although in this time some do, but they find ways to use their resources wisely and well. 

For persons who are entertaining the idea of retirement, again keeping in mind the financially bleak picture of our time, planning to continue in your present or another position both for purposes of personal self satisfaction and some helpful income may not be a bad idea.  If, there is no reason to do so economically and retirement is a well deserved and long desired goal, for which you are quite ready, go for it.  If, however, there are questions about your happiness and enjoyment and finding meaning in retirement, then examining the prospect of retiring is something that would be well advised.  My own retirement, now in its 13th year, has left me with the awareness that being occupied is a far better course than giving into constant leisure. 

Longevity is likely to be encouraged and increased on the part of persons who have intentional ways to identify meaning and fulfillment in their retirement years.  Goal I  should be to be happy.  Working out the formula by which that becomes one’s experience will make for a happy retirement lifestyle.

So, my joy today is to recommend some books recently read, some read years ago and some I am leafing through.  How appropriate that that be today.  It has just come a welcome rain, following an overcast day, one of those that invites the pleasure of hermit-like privacy.  So, I have taken the books back down, recently completed, and have sorted through the ones I feel most needing recommendation. 

Those read years ago include books that brought with them an account of better times and better days.  Walter Lord’s 1960 edition of The Good Years, 1900 to the First World War.  Standing next to that is Joseph C. Goulden’s 1976 volume of The Best Years,1945-50.  This one came out in 1976.  What a wonderful reminiscent tale. 

If you are into a longer stretch of time, William Manchester’s The Glory and the Dream, in two volumes, would keep you well occupied through rain storms and fall evenings, not too far away. 

I flipped through a very schmaltzy account of Eisenhower, by the same name, authored by John Gunther.  It is a quick read in a small volume that can be carried easily on the plane.  However, it is so Eisenhowerish, you may not want to be seen reading it.  Pick up David Eisenhower’s, much larger volume, it you are into that kind of thing.

Two more contemporary and very provocative books are Parting the Waters by Taylor Branch.  This covers the King Years, 1954-63 and is a non-stop account of the pathos and pain of the era of desegregation.  It will grab you and not let you go.  It shames us and our country and it raises to the rightful place the heroes and heroines who helped focus the shame of that time.

The American Century by Harold Evans, while a large and heavy volume, not unlike Parting the Waters, provides a summary of the century which brought America to its prominence and pride in the 20th Century.  It is well written, well documented with superb photography and incisively instructive. 

I have always been a fan of Sinclair Lewis, whose 1938 volume, Prodigal Parents, I had never read.  So I whizzed through this dated study of a family in the 30’s and learned a great deal of the psychology and pain of the struggles of growing up, both as adults and children, in that decade.

This serendipitous list may intrigue you or at least set you to scanning your own shelves, where you may find some volumes worth reading.  My sense is if you are reading, you aren’t wasting time.  And if you are wasting time, you aren’t reading. Best to you in your search.

SCJ editors had opportunity to talk with Dustin Wright, General Manager of Rest Assured®; the full report of their conversation can be found on the SCJ Health Page.  Rest Assured® is a ground breaking service designed to help seniors remain in their homes and stay safe at the same time.   

Originally created for persons with disabilities, it didn’t take the design team long to add services for the elderly.  The system connects the senior with a caregiver using the latest wireless technology over the Internet.  Providing both security and freedom, Rest Assured® permits seniors to stay in their own home much longer than would otherwise be possible.

It almost sounds too good to be true.  But when we had a chance to talk with Wright a few days ago, we discovered just how many needs of the elderly are addressed in the packages of services. 

• a non-intrusive video camera is installed in their home that permits observation and interaction with the elderly person(s), insuring their safety and maintaining a relationship unique to that of caregiver and client;
• service plans are created based on client need and may include anything from simple observation and notifying a family member if any problems/issues/alerts occur to active support of the elderly client(s) in four hour blocks of time; family support is included in each service package
• most significant, the elderly has opportunity to develop a relationship with a caregiver via the 2-way video screen, who is available on a daily basis for addressing needs identified in the service plan

The core of the program is the relationship between Caregiver and Client.  Their caregivers are the ‘best of the best’ in the field.  They create, maintain and foster the relationship they have with their clients, insuring the best possible care available, short of hands-on which can be provided when required.  Most of the clients already have a hands-on caretaker, helping them with whatever has been identified as their need–housekeeping, laundry, shopping, personal care, etc.  The Tele-Caregiver picks up the support needs monitoring for safety and providing an on-going supportive relationship.  Family can also participate in the daily communication with their 2-way screens and contact through the direct Internet connection to their parents’ home (software download is now available for immediate access to their parents’ home).

There are several packages of services available; the description of fees is based on contracted services.  Rest Assured® looks like an answer to some questions many of you have been asking.  Check it out!

But those who do come, will come with expectations of a momentary lift and a pleasureable encounter.  It is they to whom attention must be enthusiastically given, particularly those with whom closeness was not an ordinary experience.  Those of us with courage to go will need courage.  Some will wave their banners of success.  Others will stand aside, humbly watching.  Isn’t it a little late for banners?  Isn’t it time just to say it was my pleasure and joy to have known you when we were here together.  Bombast and inflated egos are for another place and time.  Not here, not now.  Each of us is, after all, fortunate to be able to accept the invitation.  Some won’t be here, because they are a part of the memorialized.  We will miss and wonder at what their life was like, hoping it was good. 

I want especially to see persons whom I remember as having made a difference in our time together those 50 years ago.  I want particularly to remind a few how, without their knowing it, they left an impression and a lasting impact on my life.  It is somewhat difficult to conjure up all those special moments, but, with nudging, they will come.  I want to find out all the good things I can that helped make life productive and full for those with whom I chat.  I want to be sure my dear spouse is included, for she was not a part of that experience then and there.  I will want my old friends to know my best friend and how she has made such a difference in my life.  I likewise will want to extend the courtesy of thoughtfulness to other classmates who have brought their spouses along from other schools and lands. 

This argument I am having with myself is mostly about being thoughtful and courteous, gracious and kind.  The impression we leave with will be the one we have for the rest of our lives.  Hopefully it will be a good one.

In San Francisco recently, we took advantage of a City Tour of one of the prominent buildings of old San Francisco.  The guides are well trained volunteers who love their town.  They want to share that love with others.  Couldn’t that be the case of almost any town of almost any size?  Docents and guides are people who share the energy and inspiration of what makes a community vital.  There is no reason to complain of boredom or allege there is nothing to do.  Why every community is a treasure house of well hidden stories and unknown accounts of events and personalities whose particular contribution is just waiting to be told. 

Some complain, particularly in smaller towns, that the young folk don’t come back.  Why should they?  No one ever taught them about the uniqueness of the place that has made them who they are.  Some communities commiserate that their town has nothing unique to offer.  Spend some time in the library or the archives of the court house or city hall, there are liable to be mysteries there waiting to unfold.

Holidays and vacations aren’t necessarily for going somewhere else.  Find out the people whose notable contributions have never been lauded.  Maybe some of the heroes are now deceased, but go about uncovering those who might be aware of their quiet, humble history.  This may open up, like the blossoming of a beautiful rose, into something never envisaged before. 

If nothing else, start with a collection of old newspapers from your local paper’s archives.  Flip through until that sudden awareness strikes you that there is a story here.   Allow yourself the experience of discovering something no one ever quite caught on to before.  Give yourself the chance for some a-ha moments that may bring others to an appreciation of their community they never had before. Likely, the ripples from your curiosity will spread to others.  Likely, whatever had you anchored down to your favorite chair will nudge you up and out and away.  Likely, your world will become suddenly larger.

Surprises are more rare it seems as we age.  Experiencing shock or suddenly being taken aback are more and rare.  When a young woman, attractive and poised, offers me a smile, I must admit, at my age, I am surprised, but pleased.  When someone asks my opinion, I am taken aback.  Doesn’t happen much anymore.  When met with someone I haven’t seen in a very long time, it is so rewarding to feel the pleasure of that person’s company and they tell you so. Surprises are pleasures of life that can so quickly escape us.  They happen less, perhaps, because we are less prepared for them.  But then, that is the nature of surprise and serendipity.  You can’t expect it for it to be genuine.

 Yesterday was our 35th anniversary.   It didn’t come with too many surprises or unexpected gifts.  It just came and slipped by and was pleasant and quiet and reassuring.  We did the right thing, you know.  We aren’t surprised that all the years and tears that have now past have accumulated in this moment of reward and satisfaction and perhaps the surprise of  some that we made it this long. 

Life can be like that, the surprise is in the moment of assessing just how it is that a day, somewhat like any other day, is met with the surprise of fulfillment.  A large bouquet wouldn’t really be a surpise, although it would grace the house with temporary beauty and a dashing reminder of what it means.  A box of candy would only add unwanted pounds.  Whatever the appropriate gift for the occasion, the best surprise is the continuing affirmation of love and respect, of genuine regard for one another, of no regrets. 

So here we are in the waning hours of our anniversary.  No candles, well maybe a few, soft music, Rod Stewart is always nice, maybe a toast over wine, and fulfillment.  No surprises, just satisfaction.  And when the surprises come, whenever they do, however they come they will be all the more special, but no more incredible than the simple pleasure of a day, 35 years later, spent together in the peace and fulfillment that is known and experienced as love.  Accept the surprise of still being able to share that with an embrace, a smile, a kiss and loads of memories.  Thanks, my dear,  for all the surprises!

Another digital measurement company, comScore, found 27.4 million people age 55 and over used a social networking service in the month of July; that’s up from 16 million a year ago.  Nineteen million of those people used Facebook in the month of July alone.

It’s understandable that seniors are becoming more computer literate.  We have more time available to learn how to use new technology, and there are a lot of resources in most communities that provide assistance learning about computers and web sites and how to navigate the world wide web. 

First, let’s get at the clutter.  What are we going to choose to rid our lives of before the clutter multiplies any further?  There are so many places to start.  Garage, Basement, Study, filled with unread magazines, solicitation mail that should have been tossed upon receiving.  But wait, we are getting ahead of ourselves.  What about the clutter of the mind.  That is the big one.  If you began the day by turning on either a radio, televsion or computer, then the first consideration is WHY?  The clutter has been going on all night and lurks in wait for us, just as soon as we touch that dial or push that button or call forth from the deep all the wicked and troubling and quarrelsome events and episodes happening in our world right now.

Maybe the best thing to do is to quickly turn off any of those appliances.  Don’t click on to your IPOd, etc.  Let the world wait just a little while until you have allowed some peace of mind and tranquility of spirit to take hold.  Just as you might clean out that garage or basement, be sure the corridors of your mind aren’t blocked with unnecessary debris and garbage.  You will have a better day for it.

If you find yourself stuttering at first light, perhaps it is because you are unclear what your daly holds and what your next choices will be.  It may be an  indication of your uncertainty as where to start first, how to get over that very first decision that will launch your day into its inevitable variety of choices and outcomes.  Stuttering around about it will only affect the quality of what you choose to do with today’s 24 hours.  If you are not one to be tossed hither and yon by whatever, then you will need to focus and to settle your mind on the object of your desires for today.  Clutter and stutter are twins.  They set you up to delay and rationalize.  Try one more time to get yourself in a mode and mood which allows for you to be in charge of your day.

Perhaps you can mutter through.  Let me be the first, on your block, to testify that that won’t work either.  With these three choices, you really end up with none.  Muttering through, perhaps wishing for a signal instruction, perhaps divinely inspired, will only cause further frustration and delay.  It is so easy to take the road already tried too many mornings before.  It is so easy to give in to clutter, and stutter and mutter,  that trio of aggravatingly unproductive emotions and tempters who would help us waste another glorious day.  No matter our age, we seem to think, sometimes, that wastefully spending one more won’t matter.  But it does and it will. 

What can you do today to avoid the bidding that goes on for time and energy that is ultimately wasteful and insulting to who you are?  What can you do today to head off the clutter of your mind, the stutter of indecision in your voice, the mutter that simply avoids having to do anything about anything right now?  This is a good day to find out.   Before you are too far into it.  Trust clarity of mind and judgment, listen to your inner voice that gets straight to the point, and don’t give credence to mutterind and muddling your way through.  Today will be better for it and so will you.

August 23, 2010

A Case of Mental Courage

By DAVID BROOKS

In 1811, the popular novelist Fanny Burney learned she had breast cancer and underwent a mastectomy without anesthesia. She lay down on an old mattress, and a piece of thin linen was placed over her face, allowing her to make out the movements of the surgeons above her.

“I felt the instrument — describing a curve — cutting against the grain, if I may so say, while the flesh resisted in a manner so forcible as to oppose & tire the hand of the operator who was forced to change from the right to the left,” she wrote later.

“I began a scream that lasted intermittingly during the whole time of the incision — & I almost marvel that it rings not in my ears still.” The surgeon removed most of the breast but then had to go in a few more times to complete the work: “I then felt the Knife rackling against the breast bone — scraping it! This performed while I yet remained in utterly speechless torture.”

The operation was ghastly, but Burney’s real heroism came later. She could have simply put the horror behind her, but instead she resolved to write down everything that had happened. This proved horrifically painful. “Not for days, not for weeks, but for months I could not speak of this terrible business without nearly again going through it!” Six months after the operation she finally began to write her account.

It took her three months to put down a few thousand words. She suffered headaches as she picked up her pen and began remembering. “I dare not revise, nor read, the recollection is still so painful,” she confessed. But she did complete it. She seems to have regarded the exercise as a sort of mental boot camp — an arduous but necessary ordeal if she hoped to be a person of character and courage.

Burney’s struggle reminds one that character is not only moral, it is also mental. Heroism exists not only on the battlefield or in public but also inside the head, in the ability to face unpleasant thoughts.

She lived at a time when people were more conscious of the fallen nature of men and women. People were held to be inherently sinful, and to be a decent person one had to struggle against one’s weakness.

In the mental sphere, this meant conquering mental laziness with arduous and sometimes numbingly boring lessons. It meant conquering frivolity by sitting through earnest sermons and speeches. It meant conquering self- approval by staring straight at what was painful.

This emphasis on mental character lasted for a time, but it has abated. There’s less talk of sin and frailty these days. Capitalism has also undermined this ethos. In the media competition for eyeballs, everyone is rewarded for producing enjoyable and affirming content. Output is measured by ratings and page views, so much of the media, and even the academy, is more geared toward pleasuring consumers, not putting them on some arduous character-building regime.

In this atmosphere, we’re all less conscious of our severe mental shortcomings and less inclined to be skeptical of our own opinions. Occasionally you surf around the Web and find someone who takes mental limitations seriously. For example, Charlie Munger of Berkshire Hathaway once gave a speech called “The Psychology of Human Misjudgment.” He and others list our natural weaknesses: We have confirmation bias; we pick out evidence that supports our views. We are cognitive misers; we try to think as little as possible. We are herd thinkers and conform our perceptions to fit in with the group.

But, in general, the culture places less emphasis on the need to struggle against one’s own mental feebleness. Today’s culture is better in most ways, but in this way it is worse.

The ensuing mental flabbiness is most evident in politics. Many conservatives declare that Barack Obama is a Muslim because it feels so good to say so. Many liberals would never ask themselves why they were so wrong about the surge in Iraq while George Bush was so right. The question is too uncomfortable.

There’s a seller’s market in ideologies that gives people a chance to feel victimized. There’s a rigidity to political debate. Issues like tax cuts and the size of government, which should be shaped by circumstances (often it’s good to cut taxes; sometimes it’s necessary to raise them), are now treated as inflexible tests of tribal purity.

To use a fancy word, there’s a metacognition deficit. Very few in public life habitually step back and think about the weakness in their own thinking and what they should do to compensate. A few people I interview do this regularly (in fact, Larry Summers is one). But it is rare. The rigors of combat discourage it.

Of the problems that afflict the country, this is the underlying one.